Where did I fail?

I am successfully navigating grad school and work and driving X-man to all his therapies and going to Bunco once a month. I am working my butt off to be a successful social worker. I am going above what is asked of me in my classes. I am trying to show my kiddos it can be done and it can be done well. I want them to know I am going to have more opportunities when this is all over and we just need to hang on for this ride. I know I will be able to provide opportunities for my kids with a master's level social work job. I might even be able to provide a few dollars in the savings account instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I might be able to have two kids in taekwondo instead of just one because it is so expensive. I am unable to make my house sparkle. I am unable to attend everything my kids are involved in. I attended one cross-country meet for The Daughter because the rest of the meets were during my classes. I think I am doing a great thing by my family and they appreciate the sacrifices I have had to make to have a better future. Okay, maybe appreciate is more than I expect, let's go with understand.

The Daughter has been mean and condescending towards me for a couple of months. It started when I started school, but I am unaware of why there has been a change. Yes, she is 16 years old and is supposed to be bratty, but this is different. I have tried changing my tone. I have tried lessening her load of responsibilities at home because she has been stressed. I try asking her to do things with me. I sat down with her this morning. I asked her if we could talk about this issue and she said no. I asked her if this is something she is willing to work on, she said she doesn't think so. I asked her is she thought our relationship could be fixed, she said no. No. She said no. I had to leave the room before I started to cry.

I did what I always do when I am emotionally weathered, I started blasting music, loud, angry music. (In my headphones, of course, because the kiddos don't need to hear my angry music. Lots of swear words in angry music.) And I started writing. If someone would pay me to pick the perfect angry music and read my emotional writings, I could be a wealthy woman.

I am now trying to figure out where I failed as a parent. I am not a touchy-feely-huggy person. I am not afraid of confrontation. I parent strangely because I had little to no parental examples. The kids are alive and I can rock finding resources for assisting the kids, but I can't just be a parent. I am unsure how this happened. I am not sure if I am fixable because I am not sure what is broken.

So, now I have a daughter who made it clear this morning that we will not have a relationship. I am hurt, sad, angry, confused... If I had known I was just going to be an egg donor, I would have done this parenting thing less often. I would have chosen not to have any children if I had know this is what was going to happen. (That is the angry side showing) Why wouldn't she even want to try? (hurt is talking now) I am a failure. (sadness has arrived) I don't even know what is going on. (confused)

I guess this is another chapter in my life with a depressingly, degrading title, Where did I fail?

No offense, but...

I started my graduate program last week.  I have been very nervous about starting this program.  I have many obstacles to juggle to succeed.  I have to get up enough nerve to walk into class without second guessing myself.

My Friday night class is advanced field prep.  One of the items we are discussing in this class is vulnerability.  I can say I feel vulnerable going back to school.  I am also going through the graduate program quicker than the foundation program.  The Friday night class is full of students who started the program last year.

We had to introduce our self last week.  After we all had completed our introductions, one lady looked at me and began her statement, "No offense, but..."  If someone starts a statement this way, I am pretty sure I am going to be offended.  "No offense, but we have all been together in this program, and you are not going to fit in.  We are like a family.  It feels weird having you in this class."  Awesome!  Thanks for that statement!  My trust level plummeted after that statement.  I will not be able to trust the people in the class and will make sure to keep my mouth shut at all times.  I have put up my walls, and they are not likely to come down.

I believe it would have been a better idea to state, "We have been in this program together since last year and have become close.  I am excited to know you better."  I am a great person.  I think I am easy to like.  (Some out there will disagree)

I am going to finish my homework for Friday's class today.  I am going to go through the motions of class on Friday with a smile.  I am going to fake it until I make it.

It all started with one little mouse.

I love Mickey Mouse.  He is a mouse who wears clothing and keeps a tidy house.  He is able to hold a relationship with Minnie Mouse.  He takes care of his dog.  He is an ideal mouse to have around.

Lies!  Mickey Mouse is a big LIE!  Mice do not follow in Mickey's example.  They destroy everything they come in contact with.  They chew everything and proceed to poop on everything too.
We noticed evidence of a mouse in our garage a while ago.  We killed the mouse within two days of noticing its presence.  No evidence of said mouse in the house.  We searched and searched and not a single mice turd.  We cleaned out the garage and discovered the mouse most likely arrived with my parents' boxes. So, not only does my dad die, mom have a massive stroke, mom dies, whole world flipped upside-down, but we brought a mouse to our home.

There are some positives to all this.  We disinfected every single item in our garage.  Even if it was way up on a shelf, it was disinfected.  Our garage is almost presentable.  (We still have a small portion to finish.)  We organized our garage.  This is a big deal for me.  I love order.  We listened to music while cleaning.  My Man did a nice little Footloose dance for me.  It was awesome!

We have a little souvenir pencil.  The pencil has been chewed to the lead all around.  It looks as if the mouse chewed it like a corn cob.  It is quite impressive.

The sass is overwhelming.

I get a lot of sass everyday in my life.  It comes from every part of my life.  I am currently all sassed (is that a real word?) out.

I have a teenage daughter who is, normally, a good kid.  She does suffer from being sassy.  She has interrupted me three times since Friday to tell me to stop talking because she already knows what I am going to say.  Really?  You already know what I am going to say before I even say it?  Strange.  When did your clairvoyant gift start?  Have you always had the gift?  Is this a new development? Please enlighten me with your wisdom.  I decided when it happens again, I will stop talking and wait until she was done being a rude little turd and start assigning chores.  Let's see if she knew I was going to say that!

My youngest adores the Daughter, so guess what wonderful habit he picked up from the Daughter? You guessed it!  The sassy, clairvoyant gift! He appears to be more receptive to the chores being assigned.  There may be hope for him, yet!

In my job I have to work with many different professionals.  I, occasionally, encounter other social workers who are very rude and sassy.  I find this to be the most strange regarding sass.  Why are professionals acting like my teenage daughter?  I tried assigning them chores.  It doesn't work as well as I would like.

I have been experiencing a large abundance of sass the last four days.  So glad I have yoga tonight.  I need to release some of this stress before I become cranky.

Why do I feel like the old lady and why should it matter?

I applied for my master's degree in social work earlier this year.  I completed the application process (application, wrote a paper, etc.) and received a call for an interview.  I went to the interview, which consisted of a couple group interviews and a few individual interviews.  During the group interviews, I noticed one other person, besides myself, graduated a couple decades ago with an undergrad.  We had both graduate 16 years ago, actually (not 2 decades, but close), from the same college with the same degree.  It was nice to see an acquaintance and fellow elderly applicant.  She and I had been working in social work since graduating and had a bunch of kids.

I was feeling pretty knowledgeable and was very impressed with myself and fellow old lady.  Slowly, my impressive self started to be less impressive.  A fellow alumni, who I adore and is wonderful, is now the director of the master's program.  Why don't I have a Ph.D?  We graduated with the same undergrad the same year, shouldn't I be just as successful?  I had decided to have a family instead, which is awesome, but I felt a little silly being among all these young whipper-snappers with the same education level as me, but significantly younger than me.  I should have accomplished more in my career.

I noticed the answers the recent undergrads gave were pretty naive, but were similar to the same answers I gave when I was in their shoes.  Due to the experience I have, I know what I enjoy regarding social work and what I do not enjoy.  I do not like working with children and I am terrible at counseling.  I know my strengths and weaknesses.  I felt strong in this part of the interview process.

We had an opportunity to ask questions of the current MSW students.  I was curious about the length of time between their undergrad and starting their graduate degree.  I was also curious if they were completing school while working full-time and raising children.  The longest length of time was five years and she worked full-time but her practicum (internship) was in the same company.  I was starting to feel a bit concerned.   I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Let's jump ahead to today.  I have already been accepted, I received my financial aid packet.  I am starting to get information.  I received an email stating I need to take a writing lab during the summer for a week.  Something about being old, or under-educated, or really old...   In the email, a statement was made that had me giggling in a nervous/terrified way.  "...send in your senior paper from your undergrad..."  That statement made me feel as if I needed to break out a walker to get around.  Can someone hand me my orthopedic shoes?  First, sixteen years ago, I wrote completely different than I do now.  Secondly, I am pretty sure I do not have my senior paper from 16+ years ago.  Thirdly, did we have to write a senior paper?

I have to learn how to use some sort of program or something regarding school.  Apparently we communicate differently than we did 16 years ago or everything is paperless?  I don't understand, but I will be figuring it out soon!  Were did I put my bifocals?

This is the start to something scary and exciting.  I should make it out alive, I think.

You know what happens when you assume.

I am pretty sure this blog post will not make many people happy with me.  I don't care. :)  I get to the personal part at the end.

Let's talk about people with low-incomes receiving governmental services/assistance.
Public assistance:
1. Housing
2. Medicaid
3. Food Stamps
4. SSI
5. Welfare Cash

Assumption # 1: These people spend their money frivolously.
Fact:  These families spend less than half than families who do not receive these services.  AND, they put approximately 77% of their income towards basic necessities (food, housing, transportation).  Plus, they spend approximately 4% on "luxuries", i.e. eating out, going to the movies, other forms of entertainment.

Assumption #2: Welfare Queen (having more children to get more services)
Fact:  The families are pretty much the same, regarding the amount of children, across the board, services or not.

Assumption #3:  You must be using drugs if you receive services.
Fact: Currently, there are 7 states drug testing in the USA.  The amount of drug use among those receiving assistance is much less than the general population.  General population is at 9.4% and those receiving assistance <1% in all states but one which was at 8%.  (I don't know which state was higher but one out of 7 is pretty good.  Plus it still isn't close to the general population.)
Florida spends approximately $30 per test and spent $45,000 in one year is tests.  Guess what?  They spent more than they saved in welfare payments.
Missouri: Spent $336,297, tested 38,970, 48 were positive
Oklahoma: Spent $385,872, tested 3,342, 297 were positive
Utah: Spent $64,566, tested 9,552, 29 were positive
Kansas: Spent $40,000, tested 2,783, 11 were positive
Mississippi (I love spelling Mississippi): Spent $5,290, tested 3,656, 2 were positive
Tennessee: Spent $5,295, 16,017 tested, 37 were positive
Arizona: Spent $499.06, tested 142,424, 3 were positive (whatever test they are using appears to be much cheaper than other states)
A large percentage of recipients receiving assistance are children.  I am pretty sure my 7 and 8 year old are not in any drug rings at this time.

Assumption #4:  If they would work harder than they wouldn't need assistance.
Fact:  This is where I get really personal.  I have a job within my profession that I earned a degree in and do not make enough to be above poverty.  Even with the man's income he earns using the degree he earned working in a professional job.  (Living in the current state we reside in does contribute to this issue.  My profession monies get cut each time the State of the Budget comes around annually.)  We are a two parent family who are not able to make enough to be above the poverty line.  We rarely use assistance, but currently we need to.  We would not survive without assistance.  We work our butts off!  One of our children receives SSI due to his disabilities.  The money goes to the services he receives.

This makes me cry.  I want to be able to make enough to take care of my family plus go to a movie once in a while, as a family.  Maybe even an opening night instead of getting it from Redbox.  I am so embarrassed when I have to use assistance with people watching.  I feel I have to justify my smart phone, even though I need it for work.  I have to justify having a car, even though it is a crappy car that I got when my parents died.  I would rather use public transportation but where I live, this is not a possibility unless I am going from the mall to downtown.  We have a lot of great stuff, that was free to us or we bought when we had more income.  I can have nice things.  I do not need to sell everything we have just so we can get of services.  Even if we did, we would still not be able to make it work.  It is okay for my kids to have bikes to ride, for me to have a pair of Toms, or for the family to have a t.v.  I have to justify the house I live in, but we moved to this house so we could make sure our child is in a school that is not failing their developmental program.  The rent is outrageous, but cheaper than the other houses in the district.  I become so angry when I read the posts and memes people post on Facebook stating people receiving services are lazy or drug addicts or whatever else degrading they have to say.  Do you think it doesn't make me angry to need to use services?  How dare you, sir!  It is degrading and embarrassing.

I think I am done with my rant.  I have work to do.

http://www.bls.gov/opub/btn/volume-2/spending-patterns-of-families-receiving-means-tested-government-assistance.htm

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2015/02/26/3624447/tanf-drug-testing-states/

http://www.childtrends.org/?indicators=child-recipients-of-welfareafdctanf

I know, I know, it has been forever.

Let me tell you about my last 24 hours.

We just finished spring break.  The daughter starts driver's education today.  She was complaining yesterday about the change of her schedule and how she is going to forget about this extra class after school.  I decided to remind her since she was acting as if this were a very BIG deal.

Me:  Hey, you have driver's ed tomorrow after school.  Just thought I would remind you.

Her:  I know!  Don't you think I will remember because this is the only thing I have been stressing over the last 2 weeks!  Geesh!  (Insert eye rolls, huffing and puffing, and sassy tone)

Me:  You were just freaking out about trying to remember earlier this morning.  I was trying to help.

Her:  Whatever. (stomps to room, turns on loud obnoxious music)

You are welcome!  I made sure not to say a word about it this morning.  So, when she gets on the bus after school instead of going to driver's ed, she will be quick to blame me.  Just you see!

All last week, the two younger boys have been up and ready to tackle the world at 6:30am.  Today, however, 8am was just too early to be getting up and ready for school.  The boys bathed last night.  My youngest has long fabulous hair and it looked greasy and gross this morning.

Me:  Did you use shampoo?

Him:  Of course I used shampoo!  (Insert eye rolls, huffing and puffing, and sassy tone) (He hangs out with The Daughter, can you tell?)

Me:  Go brush your hair and let's see.  Maybe your hair looks gross because you slept on wet hair.

*brushes hair, still looks gross

Me:  Let me help you wash your hair in the sink real quick.  *begins to wash his hair

Him:  Stop it!  I can do it!  I don't need your help!  Quit it!

Me:  Clearly, you did not a good enough job the first time.  *teaches him to use the blow dryer

Both boys wanted french toast for lunch, because that was one of the options on the lunch menu.  Fabulous!  I don't have to make cold lunches today.  Drop off the boys at school.

Off to work I go in a client's home downtown of the town next over, 20 minutes away.  Phone call from school, guess what?  The lunch menu changed and french toast was not an option. X-Man is having a meltdown about lunch.  (Look up food and autism, ugh.)  I make sure client is alive and well and get back in the car and drive back home, one town over, 20 minutes away.  I make a cold lunch for him, the other one will just have to deal with chicken nuggets, and drive to the school.  Hooray!  I made it before lunch started.

Now I am waiting in anticipation for The Daughter to have her issues after school.

...not enough wine in the world...

Shark eggs are called a Mermaid's Purse.

Did you know there is a shark called the Greenland Shark that lives in the cold water by the North Pole?  I do.  I have been told this fact at least 30 times.  I have been also told that Great White Sharks are so cute.  I have been asked what the diet is for 23 different types of sharks.  AND, I know the different types of teeth sharks can have.

Did you know there might be 200 websites dedicated to making paper airplanes?  I have probably watched 50 different videos on paper airplanes.  Also, all folds in origami/paper airplanes have different names.  ALL OF THEM!

I have mentioned X-man has autism.  Being on the spectrum enhances these obsessions he has.  Do not ask him about sprinkler systems if you need to go anywhere in the next hour.  He also will not stop discussing his loves until he feels he is done with the subject.  If his teacher asks him about sharks in class, he will not allow her to move on to the next subject until he has exhausted the subject.
We all are just accessories in X-man's wardrobe.  Every change or addition requires some sort of reaction from X-man.  It could be asking many times why the change or addition to complete meltdown, we are not moving on for the rest of the day.  Everything must have an explanation, so if you are on the phone for work and he asks you a question, you better be prepared to get off the phone to discuss the item at hand.

My family sub-consciously works through all the steps to interact comfortably with X-man.  It does not require thinking it through, it just happens naturally.  I forget often he needs to be dealt with differently because I don't have to think about it.  I can get him onto a different subject.  I can listen and work at the same time (most of the time).  I can go through a toy store without having a meltdown from X-man.

It becomes clear to me X-man is different from other children his age, when others interact with him.  His peers mother him or mock him.  Other parents make a simple statement and X-man breaks down, screaming and crying.  The parents choose to not have my son play with their children.  I have even heard he will be a criminal someday because of his diagnosis (not true). This was not from a professional, just a parent.

Yes, my son can be different and aggressive about information.  He is also the same child who will cry if we kill a fly because it breaks his heart if any living creature dies.  He is so funny!  Catching his sense of humor requires you to pay attention.  Please pay attention, you will not be disappointed.  The way he thinks and processes information is going to make him an incredible engineer, I am positive.  He is dedicated.  If you have the pleasure of becoming his friend, he will love you unconditionally.  (He may call you a meanie if you say no to something, but we are working on this.)  He rarely needs to be shown twice how to do something.  He can usually remember how something works just showing him once.  One time!  Some of these paper airplanes he makes have over 10 minutes of instructions, he will watch it, go to school, come home, sleep, wake up the next morning, and make the darn thing from memory.  This kid has the best giggle and smile you have ever seen!  He is wonderful!

I am lucky to have X-man.  I am a better parent and social worker because of him.  (I am pretty sure, My Dark Knight, has a favorite child, X-man.)  I know if I have a question about sharks, he will have the answer and site the book he got it from.  Who can say they have an 8 year old walking encyclopedia in their family?  (For the younger crowd:  An encyclopedia is a series of books with facts about different subjects.)  X-man was born beautiful and continues to be.  I do not believe he will grow out of his beauty.  He will grow out of his shark obsession.  For now, I will try to learn everything I can about those filthy, sea creatures.

Important stuff I learned from 80's movies.

Important stuff I learned from 80's movies.

1.  Valet drivers will violate your very expensive car.

2.  Detention can bring the all people together.  Raise your fists high!

3.  The Delorean has So Many more features than my car will ever have.

4.  Aliens like Reese's Pieces.  Keep them with you, just in case.

5.  Never cross the beams.

6.  Darth is a daddy.  You are going to be a GREAT parent, comparatively.  

7.  Let the pirate keep his gold, even if he is dead.

8.  Don't eat after midnight and don't feed your friends after midnight.  Nope, not even if you are hungry.

9.  Sweeping the leg is not a nice thing to do and you need to think about your moral standing if someone asks you to sweep the leg.  

10.  Any guy that knows the words to Little Bit of Tenderness is watching your back.  

11.  Learn to sword fight with both hands.

12.  Patty-Cake is a very intimate activity.

13.  People are strange and never invite people in.  If they can't walk over the threshold, they are not someone you want in your home.  

14.  A song can fix any situation.

15.  If you have the opportunity to watch men play volleyball, watch them.  Ice Man may take his shirt off.

16.  Dance, dance dance.  

17.  Don't have sex at a campground.  It will not end well.

18.  Do not live on Elm Street.  The nightmares are vicious.  (I was asked in college to move into a home off campus on Elm Street.  I politely declined.  I think it was a very wise decision.)