My X-Man is 8 years old. He is the sweetest, most genuine person I have ever met. I love him to pieces, but he is difficult. X-Man has Autism with many typical symptoms plus medical issues with his eyes. So, basically he has no social skills and limited vision. He is the one running into you at the store and doesn't say excuse me. :)
He was a terrible baby. He cried all the time. He rarely slept. There was nothing diagnosed to get help for. I had to hold him constantly. Really, constantly. He didn't want to be with anyone else, ever. Not even, My Dark Knight, AKA My Sexy Man (which is what he would like to be referred to from now on in my blog).
Parents I barely knew would notice I was tired and give me unsolicited advice how I could be the parents he needs and then he would be a better baby. Thank you for that advice (insert sarcastic tone here). I had done nothing but read books and talk to professionals to find out what I could do to help him. I had already been successful with one child so far, what was wrong with me for this child?
I would take him to church and be asked to leave by nursery workers because he wouldn't stop crying. I would attend mommy groups and be told something was wrong with him because he didn't walk, crawl, talk, whatever other baby thing, on time. I would go to the grocery store and checkers would ask me what was wrong with my baby.
X-Man was 2 ish when I really started making social work educated guesses he might have autism. I spoke with the pediatrician, got him evaluated for early intervention programs, and got a plan in place. Great! Something I didn't realize as a parent or a social worker is other parents suddenly inspect everything you do regarding parenting a child with special needs. Yep, it is true. I am suddenly the worst parent in the world and clearly I shouldn't be blessed with children.
Everything I fed my son was wrong. The shoes I bought were wrong. The toys he played with were inappropriate. Everything was criticized. "Thank you parent who does not have a special needs child for your advice about how I am raising my son wrong. It sure helps me make it through the day."
Conversation with a parent one day:
Me: Your son is so adorable when he runs around. He seems to really enjoy his new found talent.
Other Mom: Why doesn't your son run yet? He is 6 months older than my son.
Me: Well, he will get there. He is always learning new skills.
OM: Too bad you never sent him to daycare. He would have been more advanced and hitting his milestones.
Me: We felt keeping him home with us was the best decision for him.
OM: You will regret it when he is unable to make it in a good college.
Me: I will worry about college in about 15 years or so.
OM: He could end up on welfare if you don't start planning his future now.
Me: K, thanks for the advice. Gotta go home now.
These type of conversations happen all the time. X-Man is 8 years old and I hear about what I need to do to be a better parent often for the last 8 years. All the time! I even get the comment, if I wouldn't have immunized my son, he would be "normal". Nope, all this started way before he was immunized. Thanks for making me feel like a child abuser, though.
I also feel like a tool because I can become jealous of other parents. "Oh, your son hasn't had a potty accident since he was 3?" That is awesome. My 8 year old had 8 accidents last week. I want to get to a place where I am not cleaning up poop every day. "That is great that your daughter likes to try new foods." X-Man has about 6 foods he will eat. Yes, I have tried all the different methods trying to get him to eat. We are even on a waiting list for food therapy. Apparently there are many children out there who don't eat. I have not met any of them. All the children I meet eat everything on their plates. "Your son picked out his clothes today! I can tell." My son refuses to make a clothing decision, even a bad one. Plus, if I choose clothing that just "doesn't feel right" we get to make a change, often. I am jealous which makes me angry which makes me cry. Thankfully he reminds me why he is the best 8 year old ever.
X-Man is brutally honest with me. I need that sometimes. He loves unconditionally, unlike the other poop makers in my house. He is an expert in natural disasters, sprinklers, motorcycles, sharks, airplanes, and insects. He is so funny! X-Man has the driest sense of humor, so pay attention. He likes his schedule which makes me warm inside. He is a very smart cookie and he loves cookies. He is gentle-hearted and humane. He loves documentaries and non-fiction. He reminds me every day why I love being a parent and why it is such a hard job all at the same time.
I think the reason for this post is to give you some background information plus to let you know it is so hard being a parent of a child with special needs. Please support those parents instead of giving advice. I am pretty sure most parents of special needs have read and tried everything out there to help their little ones. They just need support and coffee, most importantly, coffee, or is it support?
Wow, that made me tear up. I get advice from non-parents on how to raise my kids, mostly from in-law siblings and it pisses me off. I would never think of giving advice on other people's kids when I don't know what they're going through. And by the way, Maddox never eats anything. I thought he was the first anorexic 3 yr old. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIt can be frustration but he isn't losing weight so there's that.
ReplyDelete